Grief

Despite the things I’ve been through, I normally have a very positive outlook on life.  I have learned to take the little things in stride, to accept what I can’t change and seek out what makes me happy.

Then some days are just bad.

Today is one of the bad days.

It’s 1:30 am, I should be in bed.  I have class tomorrow and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open but I hate going to sleep when I’m upset.  Something about lying in bed in the dark by yourself just makes bad feelings infinitely worse.

Grief is a strange thing.  It can hit you at any time, and it the weirdest ways.  The knowledge that it could render you completely miserable at any given time – watching a comedy, eating out with friends, etc – even over a year later, is awful.  It’s easiest to not think that way, to focus on being happy, on the present moment, but then it happens.

And  sometimes it’s just weird.  Today I was walking home to change before going to a basketball game with my boyfriend and some friends.  I was listening to happy music and enjoying the nice weather, feeling good.  And suddenly I felt like crying.  Not emotionally; all the sudden I was just fighting back tears.  It was purely physical.

Now, several hours later, the emotional part has suddenly hit me.

And I want to go back to Glasgow, but I want to go back to before my dad died.  But stay the same person that I have become.  Mostly I just carry a lot of sadness and wish I didn’t have to.

 

 

And to anyone reading, the next post will (most likely) be about my recent trip to Puerto Rico.  Much less depressing, so stick with me.

 

New hamster: GusGus

New hamster: GusGus

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