Despite the things I’ve been through, I normally have a very positive outlook on life. I have learned to take the little things in stride, to accept what I can’t change and seek out what makes me happy.
Then some days are just bad.
Today is one of the bad days.
It’s 1:30 am, I should be in bed. I have class tomorrow and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open but I hate going to sleep when I’m upset. Something about lying in bed in the dark by yourself just makes bad feelings infinitely worse.
Grief is a strange thing. It can hit you at any time, and it the weirdest ways. The knowledge that it could render you completely miserable at any given time – watching a comedy, eating out with friends, etc – even over a year later, is awful. It’s easiest to not think that way, to focus on being happy, on the present moment, but then it happens.
And sometimes it’s just weird. Today I was walking home to change before going to a basketball game with my boyfriend and some friends. I was listening to happy music and enjoying the nice weather, feeling good. And suddenly I felt like crying. Not emotionally; all the sudden I was just fighting back tears. It was purely physical.
Now, several hours later, the emotional part has suddenly hit me.
And I want to go back to Glasgow, but I want to go back to before my dad died. But stay the same person that I have become. Mostly I just carry a lot of sadness and wish I didn’t have to.
And to anyone reading, the next post will (most likely) be about my recent trip to Puerto Rico. Much less depressing, so stick with me.