Lessons From the Pit Preacher
So, at my school we have this old guy named Gary we’ve dubbed “the pit preacher” who likes to come and yell at students that they’re going to Hell and to not have sex as they walk to class. He’s called the pit preacher because he used to sit in the pit (basically the center of campus) while harassing students, but the school decided that wasn’t cool so now he sits in the quad and harasses students.
It’s actually pretty entertaining, once you realize how ridiculous he is. After a midterm today, I decided to stop by and hear what he had to say. There’s usually a pretty large group of students gathered around him, goading him. One thing the pit preacher hates more than anything is gay people. Now, let me clarify before going into this that I am 100% for gay rights. I think the fact that they aren’t granted such basic things as marriage where I live is deplorable, and I hope that my children will learn about the struggle for gay rights the way we learn about the struggle for women’s rights.
That said, the things that he said are absolutely hilarious in their outlandishness. For instance, did you know that Obama spent $14 trillion on “the homos”? Me neither! And Gary was quick to clarify, “NOT the blacks, the blacks don’t get this money, the HOMOS!” Uhh…okay, Gary. Also, he told us today that masturbation leads to homosexuality. So that’s how that works….it’s not like you’re born like that or anything. I was under the impression that male masturbation led to decreased levels of prostate cancer, but you’re right, Gary.
Other lessons from the pit preacher:
1. Marijuana makes you want to have sex, but once you try you can’t get it up
2. Everyone believes in God. Some people just think their penises are God.
3. If you voted for Obama, you will die.
(I find it interesting that he said “you will die” rather than “you will go to Hell” but whatever)
4. The party in Hell is cancelled – there’s a fire!
5. If you rap, you will go to Hell. And you can’t rap in Hell. (Damn.)
6. Women belong in the kitchen. They shouldn’t be in our government.
7. Gay guys can’t have foreplay. The only foreplay that exists is on a woman “to make her sweat”
8. Gary knows how to have sex. He doesn’t right now, because he’s not currently married (Gee, I wonder why?), but he knows how to do it.
There’s something really uncomfortable, by the way, about a 60ish-year-old man yelling at a mostly 19 and 20 year old crowd that he knows how to have sex.
And all that I learned today! In the past, I’ve learned other valuable lessons from Gary, such as: Michele Obama is immoral because she doesn’t wear enough dresses and because she tells people how to eat. Also, all athletes just want to have sex and do drugs and are going straight to Hell.